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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878715">Putting off self-care until it becomes a mental health crisis</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/treehousq/pseuds/treehousq'>treehousq</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projecting onto Deceit | Janus Sanders, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Triggers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:34:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878715</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/treehousq/pseuds/treehousq</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically, I project onto yet another youtube character. Had this one in the docs for a few months now, boys,</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Deceit | Janus Sanders &amp; Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Moceit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Putting off self-care until it becomes a mental health crisis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've had this sitting in my google docs since the day this episode (Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux) came out. I personally resonate and project onto Janus immensely, and I tend to vent through him a lot with emotional frustrations. This fic really helped me get some shit off my chest when I first wrote it, so I hope it seems more feel-y based and not messy, lol.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>And as he settled into the loneliness of his room, where it was dark and the only source of light was the sunlight glowing through the window between his dull yellow curtains, a few random knick-knacks were strowed here and there, and it was silent. So, so silent.</p><p>That’s when he broke down into quiet sobs.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s the <em> actual </em> snake on the plane!”</p><p> </p><p>Dee would keep his wince in his head, he was far too used to this kind of treatment–especially from Roman no less–to let it affect him so openly anymore. Dee let Roman finish his spiel. Lord knows he needs to let his thoughts out, especially with Patton unknowingly shutting him down so often.</p><p> </p><p>“You know,” Roman’s head snapped to Dee at the sound of the reptilian side's voice. “I’m actually <em> glad </em> you brought up the oxygen mask illustration again, Patton.”</p><p> </p><p>“Annd that means you’re <em> not </em> glad, right?” The dad figure was so quick to put himself down today.</p><p> </p><p>And then Roman butted in. Dee kept his mouth shut. “Of <em> course not </em>. He’s just trying to build up a false confidence in you, so that you can plummet to even greater depths.” The prince didn’t make a lick of eye contact with a single person in the room, choosing to instead focus intently on the stairs to his left. Dee wondered if he missed Virgil’s witty and ill-mannered comebacks and retorts at the reptilian, Dee almost did, it’d be far better than Roman spitting in his face like this.</p><p> </p><p>Dee refused to show that Roman’s words affected him in a very negative way. “That does sound like a very funny wholesome prank, but no, I mean it.” Dee saw Roman’s brown eyes flick up to his own, brows knitted together with a look of incredulous judgement. Despite the prince’s clear stance of irritation, if his arms making gestures of disbelief that the others would even dare let their mind think for a second that Dee was worth a millisecond of their attention was any indicator… Dee simply continued to reason with Patton, only sparing a glance in Roman’s direction as he tried to help the side of moral understand the point he was trying to make, and why his logic wasn’t making sense.</p><p> </p><p>A small feeling of accomplishment zipped through Dee as Thomas and Patton seemed to slowly be piecing together the puzzle they had scrambled. And even when Roman irritably ran a hand through his hair, Dee barely gave him some sort of satisfaction by ignoring the side, only giving him a smug grin at the end of his explanation. An offended look flashed across Roman’s face in response.</p><p> </p><p>Dee thought he was going to positively shrivel up and die on the ground in embarrassment when Logan actually made a real appearance again, a bit of guilt clouded in Dee’s chest as he shielded his face with his hat. Though it seemed to be <em> some </em> sort of saving grace, at least by a little bit, considering the glimpses Dee caught of Roman actually contemplating and listening to what Logan had to provide to the table. Logan was such an interesting guy, he understood Logan and Roman didn’t typically get along, per se, but Logan knew quite a bit about theatre and old drama techniques and facts that Dee figured the two had to have <em> something </em> in common. But too soon Logan was gone and Roman was spouting off again, saying things that Dee couldn’t help but make small quips about and regret those decisions soon after as Roman got angrier. Why did he seem to only cause problems any time he tried to help Thomas?</p><p> </p><p>He entertained the thought of leaving right then and there. No sense in being childish though, he could hold back his hurt a little bit longer once this whole thing blew over again, and when the others decided the situation was just too much for them to handle at the time and give some short and simple conclusion and call it a day. He’d wait and try his best to help now.</p><p> </p><p>Dee tried to level with Roman, seeing as the distressed side was the main obstacle right now. He was far too wrapped up in the fact that Dee was here and was saying things that made actual sense. He was making good points, and Roman was not happy with it. Virgil’s bitterness towards the yellow-clad side must have gotten to Roman. Dee knew how much time they tended to spend together on off days, it was rather sweet, he had to admit, it’d been a while since he had seen Virgil smile the way he does when he’s talking about Roman. Of course, Virgil doesn’t typically talk one on one with Dee about his relationship (romantic or platonic, Dee wasn’t sure, and he felt it wasn’t his place to know anyway unless either party member felt the need to share that information with him) with Roman, but the reptile-like side has heard many interesting things in the mind palace.</p><p> </p><p>“I was actually very impressed with you. You made such a noble sacrifice.” Dee said sincerely.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t… Don’t try to flatter me, <em> snake </em>.” Roman pointed a finger accusingly at him. Dee regretted his tone of voice, he certainly wasn’t trying to pander to Roman, he simply wanted to let him know how he felt about his actions.</p><p> </p><p>Dee moved on, trying not to get hung up on the derogatory nickname the passionate side had so lovingly coined for him. “I don’t need to flatter you now, Roman. I mean this.” He hoped to God he was coming off as legitimate as he felt. He held out an open gloved hand to him, brows upturned with sincerity. He continued to talk to Roman, mapping out the situation that had unfolded after Roman’s tough choice to sentence Thomas to the wedding instead of the callback. He wasn’t going to butter Roman up as he had in the courtroom, he could tell that had taken quite the toll on the prince’s feeling of self-worth, and that little cloud of guilt quietly thundered deep in his chest due to it.</p><p> </p><p>“You need to unlearn that selfish is a "<em>dirty</em>" word, and for your sake, you need to start practising... A little more selfishness.”</p><p> </p><p>“In moderation.” Patton chimed in awkwardly, clearly unsure of if he was welcome to express his opinion around Dee now.</p><p> </p><p>The reptilian side smiled. “As all things should be. Well, <em> almost </em> all things...” A mischievous grin stretched across the cheeky side's face, the scales on the snake half of his face bristling a little as they shifted with the skin.</p><p> </p><p>Patton’s dad instincts shone through as he placed both hands firmly on his hips, thick brows furrowing a bit as he looked at Dee interrogatively. “What do you mean by “<em> almost all things </em>”?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right, we wouldn’t want to plant <em> too </em> many trees. Just think of all the CO2 that might be absorbed!” A look of faux-worry was present on Dee’s face, soon breaking into a grin as Patton smiled, pointing a finger at Dee as he got the sarcasm.</p><p> </p><p>And then as soon as Patton had finished his response, Roman was jutting in, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment before it fell down, fingers splayed out in a questioning manner. “Well when is it enough?” His voice was sharp and stern. Dee attempted to lighten the mood again, cocking his brow and slowly asking “Trees?”, he expected at least a laboured sigh, but no. Roman was not having it, shouting back. “No, selfishness! How long must we act selfishly until Thomas is ready to start putting...“ his hands flailed for a moment, “more good into the world!”</p><p> </p><p>Oh dear, this was not going to go well. This would dissolve into a never-ending stressful argument for everyone, and Dee didn’t want that. He’d already caused enough trouble by now. “A good question for another time.” He cursed himself for his stammering, hoping Roman would possibly let it go.</p><p> </p><p>No. When did he ever let things go?</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m sure you’d have us believe that time will never come.” <em> Roman, why can’t you just believe me for once… </em> Dee strained in his head, trying not to let the look of hopelessness show on his face. “And even if it does, what’s to stop you from telling us that we’ve done enough good for others when, <em> maybe </em> , we could do more! <em> Oh, Thomas dropped a dime in a Saint Judy charity box. What a good boy you are, Thomas. </em>” Dee bit his lip at the mocking impression. “Nay I say! We are ethically compromised if we give the Bananaconda a seat at the table!” The snake-like side wanted to compliment Roman on the clever remark about Bananaconda, but he kept silent. He’d done enough harm, he could tell.</p><p> </p><p>Dee had accepted he’d never be welcomed as a normal guest here. He was glad and shocked they had accepted Virgil, they weren’t known for being too welcoming in the beginning. Especially Roman. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to hear that you will cause jeopardy because you are allowed a seat at the table for something that completely concerns you.</p><p> </p><p>It was silent for a few moments, Thomas sighing heavily and Dee hanging his head a bit as he felt the hurt try to settle in his head and his chest, his ribs tingling with anxiety as the truth tried to weave its way into his permanent subconscious.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know that we are.”</p><p> </p><p>Everyone’s heads were facing Thomas, looks of astonishment present on each person’s face, with an additional look of incredulous shock on Roman’s.</p><p> </p><p>“We can’t trust him!” Dee looked over at Roman now, the two were bickering as if he weren’t there, neither sparing him an ounce of direct acknowledgement unless you count Roman’s scornful glances. “He’s asking us to go back on things we’ve known for years, rights and wrongs, shoulds and shouldn’ts. How can we trust him?” Roman’s voice was that of exasperation, desperately trying to appeal to Thomas.</p><p> </p><p>Dee wondered why exactly they had welcomed and accepted Virgil eventually. Sure, the kid was nice, in his own way, and he had good input every now and then when he didn’t let his troubles get the best of his mental state (though Dee hardly blamed him for that, given what he represented for Thomas). But in the end, Virgil was still technically a “dark side,” as Roman so lovingly called them–or Virgil had been at one time anyway. He was technically a grey side for quite some time before the “accepting anxiety” phase, as he had left Dee and Remus due to his own personal dilemmas. Dee hadn’t tried to stop him, he knew Virgil wasn’t happy there with them, and while the “light sides” seemed a bit much for the poor boy, he knew he’d be far better off over there if they happened to welcome him than he would be with Dee and them. The depths of Thomas’ buried subconscious, where lesser-welcomed sides such as Dee and Remus resided most of the time, wasn't all that interesting or fun. It was dreary and dark, not much light shining on the dark polished floors. Thomas didn’t like giving the place any attention, hence why Dee and Remus tended to be scooted back there.</p><p> </p><p>He remembered hearing about the others finally accepting Virgil as a natural and helpful side to Thomas. A small ounce of pride swelled in Dee’s heart, happy to see the kid in a place where he could feel better about himself, despite his previous affiliation. The deal had essentially been sealed when Virgil helped them all out of his room in the mind palace, but the final kiss on the stamp was placed when Virgil finally revealed his name to them. A seemingly big deal, especially for Virgil. He’d always been self-conscious of his name, thinking it was a bit nerdy and worried that the others–mostly Roman, Dee remembered–would make fun of it, and then his “coming out” would be tainted.</p><p> </p><p>A bond of trust was formed at that moment though. And while a couple of jokes were made, they weren’t in malice. Dee stared at something on the coffee table as he suddenly began to tremble with the idea he had just had.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed. “I don’t have a simple answer to that question…” Dee’s voice was low and had a slight shake to it as he stared at his right glove for a moment. Was he really about to do this? Was he sure this was a good idea?</p><p> </p><p>No point in going back, he had nothing else anyway. This had to be some sort of progress if he did this. He was doing this so they would trust him.</p><p> </p><p>“But here’s a start.” He pulled at the fingertips of his yellow glove one by one, loosening them from their grip on his skin. About the time he got to his pinkie he mumbled the two words that would keep him from taking this back.</p><p> </p><p>“My name…”</p><p> </p><p>Looks of surprise were all Dee could make out through the corners of his eyes, his breathing shaky as he finally pulled off the yellow garment and grasped it nervously in his left hand. He felt odd and weirdly exposed looking at his bare hand in front of the others, especially as he lifted it in oath next to his head. His lips were pursed and his heart was thundering, galloping like a horse in his chest as making things seem fuzzy for a moment, he feared he’d pass out.</p><p> </p><p>He let out a sigh, it was shaky and insecure. He was letting his walls down to do this, the strong and dense walls he’d spent so long building up and reinforcing after so many years of needing to keep himself safe. Both from others and for others. Those walls lowered for the first time in a very, very long time.</p><p> </p><p>“My name is Janus.”</p><p> </p><p>Dee looked to Thomas first, as he was the host. For a few moments, no one said a word, Thomas looked like he was still trying to process what was happening while Patton smiled, it comforted Dee. Maybe Virgil was right, it’d be oka–</p><p> </p><p>A loud snort came from Roman, “Janus?” a hand clamped over his mouth as he laughed behind it. Janus felt his heart plummet. “What are you, a middle school librarian?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus stared at Roman, the tears building up behind his eye, but he didn’t dare let a single one show its face as he put his hand down, a little embarrassed. Patton looked over to the laughing side nervously, Thomas looked more shocked than anything, but Janus didn’t blame them. He knew how Roman could be.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a stupid name.”</p><p> </p><p>Before Janus could stop himself he was opening his mouth and letting words fall out, those walls shooting back up so quick and so thick it scared him almost. “Oh Roman, thank god you don’t have a moustache.” The words dripped with hurt despite their confident tone as the hurt side watched Roman’s smile fall. “Otherwise, between you and Remus, I wouldn’t know <em> who </em> the evil twin is.”</p><p> </p><p>Roman looked offended when Patton and Thomas didn’t say a word, simply averting their gaze. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly Janus regretted it. Not the name reveal, his walls already took care of most of the hurt at this point. No, he regretted what he had said to Roman. Janus very well knew how sensitive of a topic that was for him, it was a low blow for sure, but god dammit he let his walls down for once and Roman felt like that was something he should say.</p><p> </p><p>With an exasperated tone Roman held an arm out at Janus. “Are you guys seriously going to take his side?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus tried not to break down when Thomas responded with a small “No, I–” but Roman interrupted him, the other hand coming up to rest on his chest. “Over me?” He sounded almost broken.</p><p> </p><p>But he hadn’t cared to apologise as he did to Virgil. Because Virgil was good and Janus was scum.</p><p> </p><p>Patton stuttered something Janus could hardly discern as the blood rushed through his ears, his nose burning and his eyes feeling wet with tears trying to brim his lower lid, lowering his gaze to the floor in hopes no one would see him falling apart on the inside.</p><p> </p><p>“Thomas… I thought I was your hero…”</p><p> </p><p>“Y– You are.” Thomas seemed shocked that Roman would think otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>Janus looked up when he was sure tears wouldn't spill from his eyes like a faucet, noticing Roman looking at him with a look he didn’t want to figure out settling deep in his eyes. With a troubled face, Janus closed his eyes and nodded with a small smile, trying to assure Roman that Thomas wasn’t lying. He opened his eyes when Roman made an upset noise though.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow.” The snake-like side’s face fell. “I can’t believe this. Did you forget that he’s <em> evil </em>?!” Janus flinched just in the slightest at how loud Roman was, and suddenly he felt like he was going to break right then and there.</p><p> </p><p>Thomas looked back to Janus for a moment before turning his attention back to the distressed prince, Patton looked almost angry, just barely though, his dark eyes shifting over to Thomas, glancing briefly at Janus, noticing how the quiet side trembled and avoided all eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>Roman continued. “You’re not! Or, you’re not <em> supposed </em> to be… You’re supposed to be good! You can’t–”</p><p> </p><p>“Roman.” Said side hushed as Patton spoke calmly, not an ounce of anger in his voice. It calmed Janus. “Everything’s gonna be okay, kiddo. We love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Janus felt selfish for imagining Patton saying those words to him and not Roman.</p><p> </p><p>Roman only muttered a small “Right” before he ducked out, leaving Thomas to step back in shock and Patton to look defeated, his arm still outstretched as he watched the side duck out.</p><p> </p><p>“...Janus?” The yellow-clad side immediately looked to Patton at the sound of his real name, loosening the tight grip he had on his glove still. “Do you think there’s a limit.. on how many times someone can say sorry.. before you have to admit.. that they’re just bad for you?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus had to pull himself together, choosing a sarcastic response. “Oh, definitely not. I’d love for someone to ruin Thomas’s entire life one apology at a time.” This was how he coped, but when Patton nodded shortly and lowered his head, simply saying “okay”, he realised he should probably be a bit more serious. He gave Patton the best advice he could and tried not to be sarcastic as a defence mechanism. They talked for a bit and eventually, Patton ended up apologising to Thomas and they made up.</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone has a capacity for Deceit, including me. And all that means is, I’m not perfect… Just like anyone else.” Thomas said to Patton.</p><p> </p><p>“And those imperfections, don’t make you any less worthy of love.” It was a peaceful silence for a few moments before Patton spoke again. “Janus?”</p><p> </p><p>The reptilian side smiled and nodded in understanding. “I’ll take care of him.”</p><p> </p><p>Patton gave him a smile that said far more than “thank you,” but Janus couldn’t tell before the paternal side was already sinking out in order to go check on Roman. Janus made funny little banter with Thomas before sinking out and rising back up in his own room.</p><p> </p><p>And as he settled into the loneliness of his room, where it was dark and the only source of light was the sunlight glowing through the window between his dull yellow curtains, a few random knick-knacks were strowed here and there, and it was silent. So, <em> so </em> silent. </p><p> </p><p>That’s when he broke down into quiet sobs. Those tears that had built up behind his human eye suddenly springing forward and surging down the right side of his face. He could feel the extra tears being produced and settling behind the snake eye, his spectacle keeping them from falling. He looked at the yellow glove still clutched tightly in his left hand, which was trembling as he felt the hurt and overwhelmingly crushing feeling of disappointment beat down into him. He shouldn’t care so much about what they think, especially Roman of all sides. The prince was a bit emotional and frankly tended to not think about what he was saying, and with the way he had been lately, Janus should have known and used some foresight that with all of the tension building up that Roman would spout something off in a moment of hurt.</p><p> </p><p>But by God Janus would feel absolutely thrashed in his heart every single time that oh-so-predictable move would happen. Every time someone made a rude comment about him. Every time someone judged him based on what <em> they </em> believed his main function was. Every time they insulted him, no matter how absolutely gracefully (in his very humble opinion) he handled it. Every time they treated him as less. As gross. As evil. As untrustworthy.</p><p> </p><p>He would get over it. He had to. For himself and for Thomas’ sake.</p><p>He <em> needed </em> to. Again.</p><p> </p><p>How many more times would he have to simply get over it though?</p><p> </p><p>How many more times <em> could </em> he pretend to simply get over it?</p><p> </p><p>Janus spent the rest of his day at his dresser, standing there motionless and staring at his reflection in the mirror that hung above the piece of furniture. Crude little doodles on sticky-notes and such were hung up around the mirror, which was round and had fancy-looking engraving. He was sure it wouldn’t cost much at a Hobby Lobby, but this was the mind palace so it was free here.</p><p> </p><p>Those sticky-note doodles were of him, Remus, and other more, <em> Remus-like </em> things. Sometimes all three or just a combination of the other two. Janus appreciated and treasured each one of them, as he wanted to support and let Remus express his form of creativity. It had been too stifled everywhere else, Janus was the only one who Remus could be open creatively with.</p><p> </p><p>It had practically saved the eccentric side’s life.</p><p> </p><p><em> Knock knock knock knock. </em> “Janus?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Patton?” Janus called back emotionless, he felt very detached. It was a coping mechanism he didn’t quite understand sometimes, but it was certainly better than the overwhelming hurt he tended to feel.</p><p> </p><p>“Is it okay if I come in? If not that’s alright, we can talk through the door.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That's what Virgil and Janus used to do. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Janus used to talk through Virgil’s door during the anxious side’s panic attacks, back when he wasn’t known as “the anxious side.” His function had changed a bit.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, you can come in.”</p><p> </p><p>The door creaked open, a light blue polo barely visible and completely fuzzy in Janus’ left eye, he had positively terrible eyesight in his snake eye. The blur of blue shifted next to him until he was visible in the mirror next to the snake-like side. Now that his human-eye could see him, he noticed the soft look of calmness on the shorter side’s face, seemingly staring at Janus through the mirror, although briefly flicking around to presumably look at all of the drawings.</p><p> </p><p>It was quiet for a minute or so. Janus couldn’t focus. He kept slipping into his mind, mentally going away for a few seconds at a time.</p><p> </p><p>“Did Remus make those?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Patton, pardon?”</p><p> </p><p>Patton smiled just a little bit and suddenly Janus felt a bit more at ease. Patton raised an arm and pointed a finger at the sticky notes littered around the mirror, some on the glass and others on the wall around the frame.</p><p> </p><p>“Those. Did Remus make them?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus looked them over and nodded. There were some with writing, some just silly (and morbid) jokes and others attempts at positive reinforcement. Things like “Almost 8,000 people die a day in the U.S. but you’re still here! &lt;3” and “Brain matter smells sweet but your smile is way sweeter ;3” were just some of the things.</p><p> </p><p>The reptilian side absolutely cherished them.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, he did. He certainly has a way of just weaseling into your heart, hm?” Janus smiled, a huff of air leaving his nose as he read each one. One of them even had a little doodle of Remus planting a fat sloppy kiss on Janus’ cheek. It wasn’t exactly well drawn, but it was from Remus’ heart and that’s all that mattered to Janus.</p><p> </p><p>A contemplative look crossed Patton’s face, and for a moment Janus thought that maybe he was upset about something, until one of the corners of his mouth quirked up.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess he does. I ought to do something with him sometime. Know of anything me and him could do together?”</p><p> </p><p>“Remus loves to play Animal Crossing. Be careful though, he loves to pretend he’s viciously murdering you slowly with the net.”</p><p> </p><p>Patton made a small snort sound as his eyes crinkled in laughter, the hand pointing at the sticky notes before now covering his mouth as he quietly laughed, little vocalised inhales escaping here and there. Janus smiled, feeling a chuckle escape himself as the smaller side used him as a brace, holding onto his cloaked shoulder with the free hand as he leaned forward.</p><p> </p><p>“That certainly sounds like something Remus would do.” Patton looked back up into the mirror, a glaze over his eyes from built up tears of laughter. Janus nodded in response again, just a slightest hint of teeth peeking from behind his lips as he smiled.</p><p> </p><p>They both sighed to calm down a bit, suddenly making Janus deflate again, he tried not to let his smile drop so quick but it just came out of nowhere and the corners of his lips were twitching down before he could stop it. Patton didn’t say a word, but the snake-like side already knew he had seen it, he was practically staring at Janus in the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re doing it again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pardon?” Janus blinked. He wasn’t sure what Patton was talking about.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re distancing yourself mentally and emotionally. You’re building up your walls again, aren't you?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus didn’t say anything. No point in lying. His gaze slowly shifted downwards, away from the mirror and Patton’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Was it because of… Because of Roman? Earlier?” Janus felt Patton’s hand gently squeeze his shoulder reassuringly.</p><p> </p><p>Janus opened his mouth briefly, forgetting what he was going to say as so much swirled around his head. “I– Well– It’s,” he sighed, rubbing his face with his bare hands, Patton seemingly just now noticing they were off. “I understand why he did it. And I shouldn’t have said what I said. I feel terrible for a lot of reasons right now and it’s a bit difficult to deal with them on your own.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not on your own, you have Remus. Right?” Patton’s voice was so soft, much like Janus’ but lighter, softer, not as smooth and concrete as the snake-like side’s, but still very similar in tone.</p><p> </p><p>Janus shook his head a little, a contemplative look playing on his face. “Not necessarily. The poor kid’s not quite the person you vent to. I’m sure you can piece together some of the reasons why.”</p><p> </p><p>The moral side nodded silently, his eyes finally falling from the mirror. “Yeah, I get that actually.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you think it’s my fault Roman was so upset with you and Thomas earlier?” Janus asked suddenly, so suddenly that it made Patton’s eyes snap up to the mirror where Janus’ own were piercing into him, digging around to see if Patton was going to lie.</p><p> </p><p>“What? Janus, that’s not it–”</p><p> </p><p>“It is.” Janus spoke as if he had his mind already made up. He looked back to himself in the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>Patton looked to the snake-like side for real, choosing to see his face up close. No matter how empathetic Patton was, he could not for the life of him understand just how much Janus was going through right now. He could sense the general feeling of years of pent up frustration and hurt pushed to the back burner for so long, and now that burner was starting to overheat and it seemed like it was setting fire to the other things piled up around the stove.</p><p> </p><p>Patton wondered how much Janus had been dealing with all these years, even before they had acknowledged him as a side. He felt a streak of fear at that thought, just a brief glimpse of feeling the overwhelming stress and fear of having to keep up with so many things even though everyone else was against you the whole time made him feel devastated for a moment, as if he had gotten a glimpse into Janus’ emotions and feeling them for himself.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s me and my sarcastic nature. Being unable to cope with everything appropriately.” Janus was much more quiet this time, barely above a whisper as his eyes dropped from the mirror, looking into the distance as a brow twitched, his human eye glossing over with guilt.</p><p> </p><p>“How you choose to cope with your feelings is both your choice and your business, not to mention your right, as long as you are not hurting others, and more importantly yourself.” Patton matched the level of his voice with Janus’.</p><p> </p><p>“Doesn’t sound very selfless, Pops.” Janus joked, a twitch of his lips into a smirk making Patton feel almost as happy as the nickname did.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, someone very smart today told me that we should practice a little more selfishness.”</p><p> </p><p>Something, Patton wasn’t sure what, something resemblant of gratitude and a slight hint of relief, maybe, made itself barely known in the dark pits of Janus’ pupils.</p><p> </p><p>“In moderation?” Janus mumbled back, a smile growing on his face, a little bit of hope restored in the distressed side.</p><p> </p><p>“Just like trees, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Janus snorted, and Patton smiled to himself. He felt relief soothe his mind, thanking his nagging subconscious for telling him to check up on Janus as soon as possible, memories of the conversation he had had with Roman before coming to check on Janus playing in his head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In a previous fic I mentioned how I had been away for a while due to medical issues, I'm doing much better now! Recovery went well and I only experience minor discomfort and troubles from day to day now. Although my new sources of discomfort are forseeably permanent due to my medical issues from before, but it's manegeable.</p><p>Fics may be slower to come out (As if they weren't slow enough, right?) due to this, but requests/ideas for anything are always welcome !</p><p>Take care of yourselves everyone, that shit is important.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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